White Girl Problems.

Holy shit.
The amount of insecurities a teenage girl can possibly have growing up.
Life fucking sucks as a teenager.
At least it did for me.
If everyone had someone there for them to tell them to stop whining, go play outside and just be happy to be alive, life would have been so much easier.
None of the things I used to worry about matter; at all.
NONE OF IT.

At most it's been 5 years since the darkest days, and it's been long enough to see progress.
Always trying to impress people we don't like.
Always putting yourself down because of any physical "imperfections" you think you have. If you can look at every single aspect to who you are, and love yourself for who you are, then that's all you'll ever need.

No one will ever have your back more than you, and when it's time to dance, you're the best partner you'll ever need! They know all the steps! (: (hahah, get it. because it's you... anyways.)

I understand darkness, and what it's like to resent every single aspect of who you are.
But I also understand sunlight, and what it's like to become aware and connected with every single individual cell that is your entire existence.

I also understand that every other single person is their own individual cluster of cells that is their entire existence. And that's just it! We're all made of the exact same shit. Some of us look a bit different, but know what else is different? Snowflakes! Boom. Not a single one alike.

Let go of attachment.
Let go of all of the self defeating self talk.
Try breathing for once.
(this is more of a peptalk for myself right now, but you can breathe with me.)

I write these things down as I think them because I'm still struggling with it. It's not as easy as it is to write it.

I don't know how to relax. Even know, I keep holding my breath and my shoulders keep locking up, or something. Just supa tense or sumthin duuuuuude.

/:

Hanging out with just yourself can get kinda strange. I talk of how all you need is yourself, and yes, I do actually believe that, but have you ever realized how weird you really are?
kelp.

Put It Past.

And there's no blame for the difference in our minds.
Constructed from simplicity and happiness, I differ from your anger and resentment towards everything.
I wish I could open your eyes to the way I see life.
But if you can't open the blinds, I can't show you what I'm talking about.

--

I've spent a lot of time thinking of all the things I wish I could say to you.
Everything from screaming at you to all the little nothings I wish I could whisper into your ear. But you've made this choice for the both of us, and I don't have any more time to waste hoping you'll answer your phone. The thing that baffles me is that people I've just met have shown me more genuine characteristics than you have in the last year. Some I've known for a week and are already nicer to me than you. I don't get how you can spend so much time with someone, and it's like waking up from a dream and they're gone.

But people change. People leave. Seasons come and go. We're older every day. And if you don't have the desire to spend any more energy on having me in your life, then that's fine. That's life. You have left. And I am okay with that. It's only been a week, and I know the hardest days have yet to come, but I don't need you if you don't want to stay.

Gotta focus on myself now anyways. Oh it's just a matter of cleansing you from my system. Time is the only enemy..

-- Wait.,
If time is the only enemy.. But time is something that we created. (We as in Humans.)

In ten minutes doesn't exist; all there ever will be is right now.
"Time is of the essence."
My mind is working gears; attempting to figure this one out.
Oh I can feel myself letting you go, and I feel better.

Gotta Keep On Keeping On.

One thing I've learned since falling off my long board Sunday night, is who actually gives a shit about my well being.

Which leads me to this thought; anything that doesn't somehow benefit your life isn't worth keeping around.
Simple as that.
Whether it's a person, a place, or a thing.. If you're going to invest your energy into something, it shouldn't ever be for nothing. If you are only surrounding yourself with nothing but negativity, it's going to be hard to stay positive after awhile.
Changes happen for a reason and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and let some things fall away so that way there is more room for better things to come together. It can take time before you see why things have happened, but it's all for a better you in the end.

This summer I reached a point in my personal growth as a person, and lately I feel like I've dropped out of that frequency. I've been realizing this week though how far I've let myself get disconnected from what really matters. I feel like I'm finally starting to get back to where I left off in my spiritual development. It's not easy trying to keep yourself at a steady frequency. There's a lot of external factors that make it hard to concentrate.

I'll have a conclusion to this eventually.

An Elevated State of Mind

I watched and witnessed as she killed the beast from its insides.

Have you ever sat in a completely firm room, like your garage for example.. Sat with the doors open, and smoked weed. OH! and burned incense? Right. It's fun. Try it, kids! (;

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT.
Youtube, I have my favorites on shuffle, and so the next song in the list is "Walking On A Dream", by Empire of the Sun. And literally, no soon as the beat started, did the sky light up my smile.
The sun truly came out from behind the clouds and the world was so bright.

My god I love this song.
Pause: ....*enjoys music intensely..

Sometimes it's hard to stay focused on a moment that moves you.. Like getting lost in a song, or watching a sunset or sunrise..
I can hear voices. People that are not on the same frequency with me, and it gets overwhelming. I have to pay attention to them sometimes, because I wonder if they notice me. Not in an egotistical way; more in the paranoid, "I smoke weed in my garage," kind of way.
Someone across the street is using a chainsaw. I feel so bad for the tree(?).
Maybe I'm too high.. But hearing that tree get torn apart is actually kinda sorta making me feel sick..? What? Uhm.. Maybe it's how harsh of a sound it is.. How it kinda splits the environment's energy at the seams.. It's a very unsettling feeling.. Almost like when you have a harsh environment change on acid? It just eats at your core...

These thoughts are actually my thoughts as I think them.

They're actually cutting firewood... Still an irksome sound to listen to.
I had a thought earlier that was provoked by something I read on twitter. The post read,
"Not Common Facts ™ ‏@NotCommonFacts

41m

Music is one of the few activities in life that utilizes the entire brain

I got to experience this on such an enormous scale. Electric Forest 2013.
And most specifically, "Walking On A Dream" by Empire of the Sun. I was 20ft away from the center stage, and I had a life changing experience. I still, cannot to this day, describe it to anyone.
Secondly, we (Marissa and I) were at the very first stage by the Ferris-wheel and I haven't the slightest clue who the DJ was, but they were mixing a song with Duck Sauce's, "Big Bad Wolf." You should know though, for the previous couple of months, I had Marissa's Ipod. She had the original, "Big Bad Wolf" on it too. So we both knew this song, and had kicked it to this song, several, several, several times. So then! To be at Electric Forest 2013, and hear this song being played all around us! It was a primal moment for us, and I think for everyone else too. We were howling! and jumping! and kicking our bare feet into the dirt! And we lived.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9_M42D5SB8&feature=share&list=LLs-6ReJthx3Dj4iL3jI-pxg

Time to adventure.

The Words Are Real

Messages I just sent to someone on Twitter...

"It has come to my attention lately that you've been posting a lot of sad things.. And I know how it goes man. It sucks. It takes time and there isn't anything anyone can say or do to make it feel better once you're finally alone. Just time.. But also: you gotta "DO" something. When we feel normal, feel happy, the basic process is to "think, feel, do." 

But when we're sad, we just "think, feel... think, feel.." We never actually end up doing anything... But you gotta just get up one day and say enough is enough. I may be completely out of line in saying this to you.. But, still. You're not dying. You're feeling your own energy. Only when we're alone can we truly find ourselves. And only then can we truly know what it's like to be comfortable, or genuinely happy.. And once we're happy with just ourselves, the whole world will open up."

There and Back Again

Right now, the thought is the clearest it's ever been. I've had the occasional whisper in my ear that some of the things I had experienced before as a kid or as a teenager, would've been enlightening moments had I only of tuned in; had I payed attention. And right now, I can truly say that I think it's true. If I would have had my eyes open, I would've understood the things I felt. I would have understood why I was different, why I thought the way I did, all the questions I always asked the Universe.
Back then, when my order to the world had been returned to me, I didn't understand that that had been what I'd asked for; a blessing in disguise in a lot of the cases. Had I have had just a bit more rationality, and the balls to stand up for myself, my life would have been a lot simpler. I wouldn't have been so stressed out all the time, which all in itself causes a lot of other issues.

To be a young teenage girl feeling vibrations from the Universe... I felt crazy half the time.

I went through some of my older journals, older posts, and a repetitive statement, or question? Rather? I'm not sure.. Regardless... I would always say, "maybe one day this will all make sense." Or the classic, "I think I'm going crazy. I don't understand. I can't feel a thing."
I had myself convinced that I couldn't feel things. I think now.. That maybe that was me being intimidated by emotions. I was scared to feel anything. In most cases when emotions had come through, they weren't always positive. But I could always feel that I was lying to myself; forcing myself to feel bad for so long because it was normal. It would have almost been out of the normal if I appeared calm, or happy, or wasn't freaking out about something. My illusion of living in a nightmare had manifested itself into my reality. Looking back... it was all a lie. Yes, terrible things happened, but my fear of enjoying life regardless was due to the anticipation of "waiting for the ax to fall." Like, okay, where's the catch? Rather than just simply enjoying what I had, I was always waiting for it to walk out the door.

I've always felt things though... I've always had crazy dreams that I couldn't explain to anyone, let alone myself. Things I am beginning to understand now..

Which brings me to today.. I've always felt that my life is supposed to mean something to someone other than myself. Whether that's on a large scale, or to simply one person.. My life isn't meant for just me. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to be doing, but right now, that's what makes my journey so amazing. I'm doing my best to not be brought down by the little things. I'm doing what I can to always be zen.

"Zen while sitting, zen while running." I don't remember where I heard or read that, but I've taken it to heart nonetheless. However, I've made my own adjustments so it now reads, "Zen while sitting, zen while living."

I think this is why I started writing again, but with a different objective.
If it's only one person... Just one, god damn person.. If anyone can take something away from my writing in a positive manor, where I've somehow influenced someone, or helped them get one step closer to finding their answer, then that's enough for me.

Rain In The Window

The upstairs apartment connected to my childhood home (my dad's house) is vacant right now. Since he had someone else move in with him, there hasn't been much room for us to come back to visit. But! With the upstairs open, I have my own space for awhile. 

Now. The apartment, it's one bedroom, one bath, but it's still really open. Especially with nothing in it, and no one else around. This place is an empty canvas for your energy. There is nothing other than the wallpaper to influence how you're feeling, or whether or not you're comfortable. Its completely yours to inhabit and pollute it with your own light and energy; to spend a day with nothing other than yourself.

There's a storm right now. The thunder is reverberating through this house. Granted, the house is over 100 years old, and most of it is the original work. However, all I'd truly have to do is shut the window and the world is put at bay. This house is like a guardian. Someone that has always got your back, and knows what you need in almost all situations.

Whenever I come home I typically feel nostalgic, and so when I leave it's like a breath of fresh air. But since I have been on the other side of the fence; since I have seen, heard, felt, and loved this entire other universe, coming home has felt different. It's no longer stepping into the past for me, but stepping back into who I am and where I'm from. Fuck! I grew up here! I used to play on that porch, and walk down these streets. I have developed into my own person with a completely new perspective on reality, and when I'm back home I can see all of it differently. This place is fucking beautiful. It's a small town, quaint, with a little hustle and bustle, but everyone is so chill. I'm not ready to move back here, but when I am, there will absolutely be no place like home.

Empty Apartments.

I do have other blogs.. But they are aged, and full of the old me. They're full of my negativity. All of the sadness I used to harbor in my heart. I can still feel those stories, those experiences living in my blood, but I know now that they are the reasons behind every decision that I make. Without the negativity, I would never be able to appreciate all the good that I do now.

Some days I find myself thinking old thoughts, partaking in old methods of thinking, and I wind up getting angry with myself. Flustered for even feeling the same paranoia and negativity that used to come so easily at the drop of a line.Once you've crossed the fence, been to the other side and been free of all bad emotions and thoughts... And then to go back to that way of thinking? It's nauseating. Simply nauseating.

I don't know why I'm still allowing it to happen. I'm very well aware that my life would be exponentially better if I just cut the tie for good. But there's something in the way you say my name that gives me hope that with my new outlook, I might have missed something. Some small detail that will prove you're still my person.

But if there truly is nothing left, then that's alright.
I gotta stay positive no matter the outcome between us. We have had our moments; we have shared some of the strongest love, but everything has a shelf life. When things change, it may not always be pleasant, but every change happens in our lives for a reason. Sometimes we won't see the good in things until enough time has passed, but once you're aware of why change happens, it is no longer so tormenting. It becomes easier to sway with the changing of tides; with the flow of life.

Sometimes you gotta let go of something you love. Simply so you will know, without a doubt, that when it comes back into your life, it's the realest thing you will have ever yet to experience.

Welcome.

I've come to determine that if I don't reread my thoughts, my words, they stay genuine.. They stay exactly how I meant them to sound.

Kinda like... Take an apple, or an orange.. Anything spherical.. or Pie! Everyone loves pie. anyways. You have your object, and in this case, your object represents a story. Or it represents an emotion. Or just something that you have experienced. And in the very first retelling about the experience, that moment loses a piece of itself.. You have just given away a piece of the pie, apple, orange, whatever. The more a story is retold, simply for the sake of retelling it, the pie eventually loses its value. Moments are meant to be enjoyed, experienced, relished in, and then they are free. Free into the vastness in which you have spent your time and energy in.

Your stories, as they are told, may stay just as powerful through every retelling.. The words become memorized, and you can delve into the thoughts and make them more profound.. But nothing.. And I mean, absolutely nothing can ever be compared to that first time you truly tell your story.

When it means the most; when the telling of the story is in it's most energized moment.. Nothing is comparable.