Right now, the thought is the clearest it's ever been. I've had the occasional whisper in my ear that some of the things I had experienced before as a kid or as a teenager, would've been enlightening moments had I only of tuned in; had I payed attention. And right now, I can truly say that I think it's true. If I would have had my eyes open, I would've understood the things I felt. I would have understood why I was different, why I thought the way I did, all the questions I always asked the Universe.
Back then, when my order to the world had been returned to me, I didn't understand that that had been what I'd asked for; a blessing in disguise in a lot of the cases. Had I have had just a bit more rationality, and the balls to stand up for myself, my life would have been a lot simpler. I wouldn't have been so stressed out all the time, which all in itself causes a lot of other issues.
To be a young teenage girl feeling vibrations from the Universe... I felt crazy half the time.
I went through some of my older journals, older posts, and a repetitive statement, or question? Rather? I'm not sure.. Regardless... I would always say, "maybe one day this will all make sense." Or the classic, "I think I'm going crazy. I don't understand. I can't feel a thing."
I had myself convinced that I couldn't feel things. I think now.. That maybe that was me being intimidated by emotions. I was scared to feel anything. In most cases when emotions had come through, they weren't always positive. But I could always feel that I was lying to myself; forcing myself to feel bad for so long because it was normal. It would have almost been out of the normal if I appeared calm, or happy, or wasn't freaking out about something. My illusion of living in a nightmare had manifested itself into my reality. Looking back... it was all a lie. Yes, terrible things happened, but my fear of enjoying life regardless was due to the anticipation of "waiting for the ax to fall." Like, okay, where's the catch? Rather than just simply enjoying what I had, I was always waiting for it to walk out the door.
I've always felt things though... I've always had crazy dreams that I couldn't explain to anyone, let alone myself. Things I am beginning to understand now..
Which brings me to today.. I've always felt that my life is supposed to mean something to someone other than myself. Whether that's on a large scale, or to simply one person.. My life isn't meant for just me. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to be doing, but right now, that's what makes my journey so amazing. I'm doing my best to not be brought down by the little things. I'm doing what I can to always be zen.
"Zen while sitting, zen while running." I don't remember where I heard or read that, but I've taken it to heart nonetheless. However, I've made my own adjustments so it now reads, "Zen while sitting, zen while living."
I think this is why I started writing again, but with a different objective.
If it's only one person... Just one, god damn person.. If anyone can take something away from my writing in a positive manor, where I've somehow influenced someone, or helped them get one step closer to finding their answer, then that's enough for me.
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